March Madness of Thoughts

What am I.suppose to feel? And what isn't appropriate?
We talk about it all. But still, you can't say you know me
I can say that I've been the best at what we've become
I'll lay down temporarily just to accept what is given and hope it helps with anything I need help with
I'll get up and go on with my day. Don't get too far and realize,
Things are just worse, now
But no.fault of yours
You aren't my keeper and my emotional distress is no concern of yours
I've become immune to pain and now using it to know that life that is being lived is real
Take a stab at the good girl, I hide
Want to see if she's strong enough
But no! She SCREAMS from the tortuous pain that shot to.her heart like 9 mm bullet
Tears, they fall down my eyes
But I'm ok
She's the one dying from my.selfish acts of lust and fornication
I can only.console her and convince her that everything is going to be ok
She just keeps crying and crying
And I'm stuck dumbfounded
Until I'm put in her shoes and those indirect stabs are for me, personally
How dare I let you do this to me?
Cut me nd bleed out until I can't bleed no more
But I rather you kill me slowly, put up with mistreatment nd constant disrespect
Before I open my mouth and say, no! Stop hurting me, I'm not a robot. I have feelings, that you are killing, softly
Cause you just won't understand.
No one ever understood
And now, they're all gone
Just like you're leaving now. Well just go
I deserve to live a little longer.

Another Thought...... Depression was beating my door down. And finally, I answered. Days went by slow and tears kept rolling down My Face. Where were my friends? Nobody saw the dark shadow called no love hovering over me. Everybody thought all was well. I was dying and losing a special part of me. What was left of my innocence was dying and cry from being malnourished. My good inner self was screaming and piercing my ears inside out. So here's the story.

Lay down just to get up with no emotions. And if some ever come into.existance, better off just pressing ignore on the incoming. Look for comfort in his stroke and settle for the time spent as intimacy. Don't ask for too much
You just came to fuck
Begin to fall? Better to trip up then to fall flat on your beautifulness he never notices.
Deep emotions, save them to throw away with the dissatisfaction that's growing like fungus on such an aging piece.
So throw it all away
The thrill is gone
He just isn't interested in this aging wine.
Cause man oh man, its gotten better with time.
He just can't handle the full effect of what's so EverClear
So let's drink Champagne and Merlot. Those we keep near
Easy to drink and the drunkenness not so harsh.
Pull out before you put your heart in it
While for me, It's never just about the obvious.
Say you know everything. Actually you couldn't know less
See you more than just to lay with
But the other obvious allows that to never be shown
Anger, he'll accept it
Guess that's expected when playing tic for tac
But anger isn't the truth.
More like pain and being ignored is more what is in use.
Encounters that can not grow, that's what we engage in
Tears fall, the pain has hit the surface and is spilling over our horizon
Can't keep laying and holding back what I should feel
Cause in this scenario, it just isn't seemed as real
But it's what should happen, when done right
Keep taking stabs at my innocence
Saying I won't need it, its useless
Just enjoy this orgasm and let go when he's done screwing
So why keep going back if It's so unhealthy?
Nonverbal obligation, has been established
But sorry, I'm looking into a early termination
Isn't like you care or even desire to care
In my decision
So I should walk away
And just forget about the greatness I discovered
Isn't worth much when you don't see the same in me
I was just meant for you to.lay with........

And a letter to.....
Love games.... Never been good at playing them. I rather sex you and move along. Don't feel you're worth my emotions and this vibe isn't strong enough to build an attachment off of.... I begin to fall. Conversations lasting all day. But you see potential in this other chick who I know isn't about shit. But I've built this wall between us so that feelings can't be shared. Hate how you hold on to your ex and how you allow her to hurt you. Saying love is worth it. I'm thinking, I know I can love you deeper and more genuine. But I wasn't suppose to ever feel like this. And I'm suppose to be one of the smart ones and not be in a relationship. Cause I know your fuck ups. Never really bothered. Bothers more cause I know I set something up that can't be turned into a building stone to a happy future. We've argued and threaten to leave each other alone. But you end up stroking me deep and I end up with my face in your lap. You showed interest to get in my head. And you know when I'll agree to it all cause I love how you stimulate.my mental. And I'm agreeing to being your.. slut. Knew it wasn't nothing good to accept. Still I didn't care. Drank that poison to.take whatever you had ready for me like a woman. But I ended up with just you. Relieved. But I'm wondering why things happen like they do. Maybe you werent trying to kill the good girl in me. Just wanting to test the waters. Cause at the end of the day, you aren't heartless and you will only go so.far with me. Think you've gone attached to the woman I've become. But you'll never admit. Cause that's not what its suppose to be. Keep it platonic. Cause I appreciate our friendship. For what the fucked up mess it is. So we don't play love games. We Juss have friendly mind games. Much deeper but easier to let go of. Save the love for the one you suppose you should truly love. I wouldnt know what to do.with the love you give. So save it. I like to see you happy with another.
Part II
Know the real me is to love me. And I guess you never fell for me. Because I was always weird in your eyes. In need of a therapist. And just plain crazy. But the sex we once had was crazy and mind blowing. But I found interest in what wasn't in the bedroom... Guess you didn't follow along. Don't blame you, though. I'm holding on to you because you're my constans at this time in my life. Thinks that's why I'm stuck. These feelings are genuine, they just are there because no one else is attempting to.hold my attention. And I gravitate to.you ever oh so easily. But this interaction between us is so unhealthy and breaks me.down. so I need to break away. I can.handle.the.conversation. but to lay with you is to allow you to kill me. And you have no idea. But its so hard to lay down time and time again and no emotions are being shown or evolving. So I began to become sad and cry. Cause I'm.not understanding how we can have great conversation that I can't get enough and engage in sex that'll never be as good as the beginning and we just fade further apart. I wish we could have been just friends. The sex wasn't worth such a great potential lifetime friendship. And that wouldn't have to evolve into much.more but a stronger. But we went backwards. And now I'm done loving backwards. Hoping you accept and.continue being a great person to converse with. But I'm already noticing changes in our interaction. But I can't say much. Cause then I'll sound like side chick who wants to be the main. Nope.not I. Just want my friend back .you can have the rest of the nonsense.